My Story - by Nikki

Copyright JP Photography, Runcorn

2023 was our first round and try, you didn’t make it that time oh how I did cry. Then in 2024, we tried once more,

I was sure you would stick but it was my mind just playing a trick.

They told me that round that it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t our time and I asked again why me?

From that round on day 5 I prayed you would thrive.

On day 6 a call did come, there was one that can be frozen that was you my beautiful son.

They gave you a grade like a old style gcse and told me not to get my hopes up as you “were only a C” I didn’t care what they said, a, b or c with a huge dose of love you’d thrive perfectly.

With some help from science and our ultimate defiance, you’d already made your impact and that was a fact.

A year went by before the time was right for me, I wanted everything to be perfect for you my beautiful C. Then you were put in and left to grow, would it work this time, how would I know? That wait to find out I wanted to shout, everyday dragged by and again I did cry.

How many more times did I have to pretend, to be happy and fine, would my journey have an end?

Another baby shower to decline, another announcement online, but I never lost hope I prayed to see that blue line. The sadness inside but every time I smiled and lied. Yes I’m ok thank you, fancy meeting for a brew?

Then the day came to find out whether it was to be, am I meant to be a mummy will it ever happen to me?

But there was the line I thought that I could see, I have never been so excited to go for a wee!

I did a few more tests , lost count after 6, my beautiful boy this time my mind wasnt playing tricks.

Then came my first scan, so sweaty I had a fan. I held my breath for so long that I thought I’d pass out, just let me hear the heartbeat I wanted to shout. And there you were as clear as day, heart beating so perfectly I didn’t know what to say.

I couldn’t believe it that this was my time, I couldn’t believe I’d finally seen that line. Then the months went fast and you grew so beautifully, my stomach went huge but it didn’t matter to me.

You grew inside me so safe and sound that I felt like the luckiest person around. then into the world you came so soon I couldn’t believe it I was over the moon.

Then it was time for me to feed you, I thought yeah I can breastfeed but I didn’t have a clue. I tried everything people said to make sure you were fed.

My milk wasn’t enough but your mummy is tough. She tried for weeks and made all of the tweaks. but that milk never came through and I wanted the best for you. I didn’t have enough it was such a shame, The hours I cried and asked if I was to blame.

But slowly that guilt it faded away and soon it became as clear as day, that it didn’t matter to you and shouldn’t matter to me too. You needed your mummy to be at her best whether that was fed from a bottle or fed from the breast. You didn’t care as long as I was there or whether my chest was even bare.

Now here we are my perfect Albie, it’s an absolute honour that you chose me. To be your forever and very first love, you really are a gift sent from above.

I love you endlessly my Albie baby and I can’t wait until the day that you call me mummy.