Not playing pretend anymore - by Bethannie

I remember the days when I would play pretend, 

With dolls in my hands, playing house with my friend. 

Hoping and praying to be a mummy one day, 

Impatiently wishing my life away.  

But little me didn’t pretend quite right, 

She had hoped for a family and a future so bright.  

Little girls don’t hope to grow up to be single mums, 

So, they play happy families with no thought of different outcomes.  

She didn’t pretend her friends leaving her out, 

But when I became a mum, some decided to check out.  

They’re out living and still carefree, 

While I’m consoling my baby at half past three.  

She didn’t pretend the constant worry, 

The doubts, the pace, the hurry.  

Wondering if I’m enough, if I’m doing this right, 

If she’ll still feel loved when I’m not in sight.  

She didn’t pretend the days when anxiety takes hold, 

When my smile fades and the world feels cold. 

When everything spins too fast and it’s too much to bear, 

When I’m lost in a haze but no one’s aware.  

She didn’t pretend the stress of change, 

When routine takes a turn, I feel so estranged.   

A simple shift in plans; I feel tremors inside, 

A crack in my chest where my heart tries to hide.  

She didn’t pretend to compare herself to others, 

As I do with the calm, relaxed, carefree mothers.  

They go with the flow and let routines unwind, 

While I cling to order, trapped in my own mind. 

She didn’t pretend how their ease felt like fire, 

While I panic and question, my doubts never tire.  

I’d love to let things be, to let go of control, 

But with every change I lose a little of my soul. 

She didn’t pretend that some nights I’d cry, 

In the shower, in silence, with no reason why.  

That strength sometimes means just making it through, 

With tear filled eyes and a mind split in two.  

She didn’t pretend right – but how could she know? 

That this kind of love has helped me grow.  

That through all the chaos, the doubt, and the pain, 

There’s beauty in dancing around in the rain.  

She couldn’t have imagined the joy and the wonder, 

Of a giggle that heals every moment I blunder.  

A love so fierce, I didn’t know existed, 

One look in her eyes and my whole world is shifted.  

She couldn’t have imagined how one little grin, 

Could soften the constant worry within.  

How one tiny voice saying “mummy” out loud, 

Can silence the doubt and make me so proud.  

She couldn’t have imagined the people she’d meet, 

In baby group circles on soft play seats. 

Strangers with stories so close to my own, 

Who made me feel seen, less lost, less alone.  

She couldn’t have imagined the strength in their cheers, 

With laughter and love, they silenced my fears.  

One friend in particular became my anchor, 

A supporting hand in every new chapter.  

She couldn’t have imagined the support system around her,  

They hold me up and with them I can conquer.  

So, to my family, the friends who stayed and new ones found, 

I just want to say I’m so glad you’re around.  

So maybe she didn’t pretend everything right, 

But she dreamt with hope, and she held on tight.  

And for all that I am, for all that I’ve done, 

She’d be proud of me now – because I’m someone’s mum.